3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
