He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
