You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I touched a dick in church today
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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