I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize