My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
