Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
