They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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