Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
