sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
COCAINE IS GR8
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
