i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
