I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
