when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
