Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
