No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Are my feet made of real feet?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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