I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
