i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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