just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
