i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
