just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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