also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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