Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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