barbara walters just said penis...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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