So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
