A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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