I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just want nice things and good sex
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
