i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
