hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
