her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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