its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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