Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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