My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
