I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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