I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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