Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
