I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
