I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
