i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
