help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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