Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
