He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
