I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
