i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
