yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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