I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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