Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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