Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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