Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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