my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
