I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
