I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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