God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
