If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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