No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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