Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
where are you?
Hypothermia
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
