i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
