pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
