I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
