Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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